MY STORY
Severn River Church (SRC) started on October 1, 2006, and at our launch service sixty three people attended. The following Sunday only thirty or so remained, and we were off on our journey of church planting. This was the culmination of a calling I had heard from the Lord in 2004, a calling confirmed in my heart through prayer and fasting, and one that was affirmed by mentors in my life. Within six months I came face-to-face with the limitations that I had in my leadership. I realized that the preparation I had been through was focused on the machine of ministry instead of the mission. I had spent months preparing sermon series, graphic art, worship sets, and held meetings to talk about “internalizing” our core values like being “a church without walls.” What we did not do was really interface with our community. I had a desire to reach lost people, but truthfully did not know how. Now, six months after launch, I was realizing my challenges and not real sure what to do about it. As a planter one finds oneself in a unique position when you launch a new church. It is a position that garners supporters and fans, but you are also more alone, and the pressure is to “fake it till you make it.” It is a pride issue and a pattern of the world. No one wants to look foolish. I compensated for the overwhelming feeling of confusion and the personal knowledge that I was not succeeding like I wanted by studying and talking about theory, while feeling like I had no idea how to put it into practice.
I knew something had to change so I pursued coaching. I found a church planter that was a little bit ahead of me in experience and asked him to coach me. A coach is someone that makes one do what one does not want to do in order to help one become what one has always wanted to become. I remember meeting with Patrick for the first time, and he asked what I was looking for in our relationship. I told him that I needed someone that would not be impressed with me. I come across as a confident and bright person by nature, but no matter how good my ideas and answers sounded, I needed him to cut through it to help me to learn and face the deficiencies in my leadership.
For two years he taught me in a monthly meeting and gave me assignments, especially in the area of evangelism, and I would work on them bringing back a report the following month. I worked diligently; however, I saw little results for our efforts. Door hangers, mass-mailings, and “big days” had all been very effective for him, but were not effective for SRC. And during this season the pressure was building. Supporters, who had made one or two year commitments, were concluding their support. We enjoyed a committed membership that tithed early on, so financial pressures were not overwhelming, but we needed to grow to have the stability of standing on our own.
I worked and prayed harder, but things moved very slowly. In fact, between year one and two I observed the reality that we doubled the size of the congregation but grew by half; ending up with congregation around 30 people year over year. Progress was actually happening, but we were losing half the congregation each year. Young couples we attracted moved away for affordable housing; military and DOD employees were transferred; and businesses relocated our members as they were promoted. Our guests walked into our gathering and saw a small group. I believe that the lack of “critical mass,” that is enough people to make an auditorium feel comfortably full, did truly hinder our breaking out of that pattern.
In 2009 we received a great blessing as a congregation and benefit for me personally. My sister, Ariel Rainey, came off the mission field and came to work at SRC for $100/wk. Her focus was on outreach, and in one year she dramatically changed our effect in the community. She led an Easter Egg Outreach which we had always done, but we had never been able to attract the community. Imagine our surprise when over 300 people showed up to her first outreach. I heard one woman say to her daughter, “Today we found an egg hunt and a church.” I baptized that family a couple months later.
Ariel led outreaches to local neighborhoods, and we started to focus on local schools. We were on pace in 2010 to reach approximately 1000 individuals outside the church. The outward focus of the church was at an all-time high. It was an infectious feeling, and even prompted me to write a letter to many of our previous members expressing that I wished they could have been part of those days. We had finally turned the corner and were having real impact. Yet in this time I was feeling restless in my heart; a struggle of whether I could stay with this church. It was a very uncomfortable position because the idea of leaving meant a couple things. First, I believe that the greatest contribution and most effective effort a pastor can have is to honor longevity in a community. Leaving meant going against this core value. Secondly, leaving meant the closure of SRC. No one wants to see a church close. No one wants to feel like they have wasted four years. I wrestled with the fear of what it would look like on my résumé, the impact it would have on my family, and the popular motivational clichés like, “Failure is not an option” and “There is no plan B”. No one wants to fail.
During this time I really had to sort through frustration versus calling. I had not started the church to be a “success,” but more and more that was becoming the focus of my thoughts related to the church. In that season I discovered insecurity and frustration was brought about by self-focus – for which my pursuit of success was really a mask. I settled back into trusting God, and obedience to his call. It was probably no coincidence that out greatest community impact came as a result.
I have a friend with whom I processed this journey. When I first envisioned this church plant, he was the person I told. Over the summer he had asked what I was feeling. I told him I was 100% committed to staying. I expressed such confidence that he was floored when only four months later I told him that I would be leaving SRC.
In September 2010 I attended a pastor’s meeting. That morning, in my devotional time, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me that He wanted me to speak to a ministry colleague that would be attending. Later in the morning I bumped into him at coffee. He said, “Ben, you are carrying quite a load, aren’t you?” I replied that I was, and he replied, “I am concerned for you that fear might derail you from God’s leadership in your life and ministry. Fear of failure could make you stay longer than you should. I just want you to know that if things do not go the way you thought they would at SRC, you will still be well-regarded by me and everyone I know that knows you.” I knew that this was what the Holy Spirit had wanted me to hear.
I left that meeting and went on a three-day vacation. I was really unsettled and inwardly reeling from the gap between the commitment I had settled on in the Spring, and what I was sure was a Word from the Lord saying that a transition was coming. On vacation I spent time in prayer and listening. On October 6th, I spent the whole day in prayer on the outskirts of Annapolis at the WWII memorial. There on the Severn River’s edge, I felt a release from SRC. I knew that my ministry there was over. God was leading me away. This led me to wrestle with two issues.
The first was a poignant understanding that the calling of God involves two parts: a releasing from and a calling to. To this point in my life God had always called me to something. I was called to Valley Forge Christian College, called to PAG, and called to SRC. Now I found I was released from SRC without a calling to anywhere. It was a difficult ambiguity not just for me, but eventually for many others as well.
The second issue was dealing with the question of responsibility of the decision. I had seen ministers cut and run, following a season of struggle, but the company line was, “God is calling me elsewhere.” I have always thought that there is a great responsibility on the minister to be honest about this issue. No one should falsely use the “God said” trump card lightly. So whose decision was this? Was this God’s fault? Was it mine? Was it the community’s? It was sobering to work through these issues. In my experience the responsibility is shared. Christ invited me to share his yoke. He chose the direction, and I made the decision to follow His lead.
Being connected to Christ does not always make me as perfect as I wish it did. One shortcoming I observed immediately was that I had processed this without really involving my wife. I had told her some details of what was going on, but had not really partnered with her to process it along the way. When I came home from Annapolis I had laid my vision to rest. I had even picked up a memorial stone and put it in my pocket. So when I came home, I was confident and moving forward with the decision. She was surprised with my resolution. I was steps ahead of her, and I moved faster without her than I should have. Our relationship has always been built on her trust in my decision-making, but I wish I would have slowed down to help bring her along better. She was fantastically supportive, and gracious even with my missteps. The greatest problem was that she was left to fill the gaps with her own assumptions. I realized it when I heard her explaining what was going on, and realized she was getting it all wrong, but because she had not been involved she had made the most sensible answer from her perspective.
After talking with my wife I went to talk to my father. He has long been a trustworthy confidant. When we met I told him what I intended. He seemed to have a surprised look though he would later say he was not shocked. I was actually glad to see that look because it meant I had not been telegraphing my frustration and struggle over the previous year. It was not easy to talk to my dad, because he and my mother left their church in December of 2009, and had become an integral part of what we were doing at SRC. They invested a lot in that year. But my father put me at ease and wanted to know what my plan was. I detailed my plan for him. As I worked through it he said, “I am proud of you.” It did not even seem to fit at that place in the conversation, but I was sure glad he said it. In about six instances over the next four months I found myself in situations and conversations with people in various stages of shock and grief. When I found myself facing from those that struggled the most, I remembered those reassuring words. My father has only ever been interested in me pleasing Jesus. I knew I was good with Him. It was really nice to have my dad to stand with, too.
I believe that the Holy Spirit gives a gift to church planters, a sixth sense or knowledge of how things will go during certain seasons of the church. In my conversation with my father we talked about the future of the church. I knew from the day I decided to resign that the church would close. I would question that several times, even at times becoming very hopeful that I was wrong, but ultimately closure was God’s destiny for the church.
The next group I turned to was a group of friends and mentors. These voices were very important to me as well. Not just because they listened and spoke into my life, but because they prayed for me. I hope anyone that goes through a season like this has people that support them this way.
My father accompanied me to visit Dr. Robert Rhoden, my former district superintendent. I have a great deal of respect for Dr. Rhoden, and I was thankful to share my experience at different points along the way. When I met with him he had a few things he wanted to say. Each was a benefit to me. I know he credited each thought to someone else, but made specific reference with each one to my situation. First, he wanted to make sure I understood the difference between failing and being a failure, because though the plant failed, I am not a failure. Next he said that at times life can only be understood through the rearview mirror, not the windshield. He pointed to Joseph’s life in Genesis to explain that sometimes what is happening is not what is going on. Things as they happen may seem to show one thing but time may prove another thing entirely. Another piece of advice was that experience is only valuable if it is interpreted correctly. He encouraged patience before assuming too quickly that I understood fully what was going on.
The hardest part of my personal journey was the effect of my decision on my family. There were many layers to the impact and each one was so precious to me. Their closeness put them in a difficult position. They were simultaneously dealing with the positive feelings and love they had for me while also feeling the negative feelings of grief in the loss of their church.
The greatest impact of my decision fell on my sister Ariel. Ariel was called into ministry in her teens. She followed that calling to Bible school, and the Lord directed her to the mission field after graduation. It started as a one-year volunteer position, and turned into an 11-year career on the mission field. She was well-regarded and effective in ministry to Muslims. As she neared the end of her last itineration, and was about to return to the Middle East, the Lord told her to resign from missions. She expected to find a pastoral position in a church, and after only a short time began attending SRC on a temporary basis.
It was not long before I approached her to come on staff. It was refreshing to work with her. She bought in wholeheartedly to our mission and vision. She found secular employment to support herself so that she could put roots down in our community. She was strongly focused on the outreach of the church.
Her effort and contribution cost her quite a bit. She worked a job full-time including a hefty commute, and extra hours working for us without the compensation she deserved. It also cost her standing in our professional network. Her missions work made her stand out, but when she resigned from the field, many did not understand, and because she did not take a traditional, full-time vocational ministry, many regarded her as “out of ministry”. It was definitely a professional cost.
So when I knew that the future of the church was coming to an end, I also knew she would face a great amount of personal loss. She was both sister and staff. She was working hard on a Halloween outreach, and I remember feeling it was unfair to see her working so hard without a full knowledge of what was going on in my heart.
It was after a service planning meeting that I asked to speak to her. My news coupled with the fatigue of her hard work made it a very emotional conversation for her. I told her that I was sorry for how I knew this would affect her. She said that she understood and that I did not owe her anything. She had served for the Lord, and loved working for me. It was humbling and was difficult. She was the hardest meeting I had, and the person I most dreaded to tell. But she graciously put me at ease with my obedience to the direction of the Lord.
In Ariel, though, I saw the greatest journey of grief. Losing a church is like loss in any other area of life. People stay for years in churches that they do not like because they want to avoid the pain of loss. How much more when you lose a church you love? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – I saw the whole journey lived out in Ariel.
Again Ariel, like my wife, taught me about being patient with others. I had done my own grieving and had come to acceptance. I had to learn to discuss things related to the unfolding future of the church, while being careful how far and fast I went, so that she was able to find resolution with each step and decision.
My mother was another difficult person to tell. She had attended one church from the time she was a little girl. When she and my father decided to leave their church, it was a very convenient and enjoyable transition to SRC. In fact, they embraced the differences in approach and style even better than I would have expected. But my news did not just mean the loss of her church. It meant that the relationships of the family would forever change. As a family my parents enjoyed a year of worship in a church with all their children, their spouses, and their five grandchildren. My parents have served the Lord faithfully with great sacrifice for the Kingdom of God. I think that my mother felt in some way that she was enjoying a spiritual reward with things as they were—our family so close. My decision did not just mean a new church, but a son who would certainly move his family away, and a daughter that would probably move away for a full-time ministry position. So if having the family together was the spiritual blessing, then what was this?
My sister Sarah and her husband, Andy, had been part of my launch team. They were there from the beginning. They were pretty quiet on the subject as a whole, but were very supportive.
Getting through the meetings with my family were the most difficult parts of the journey; once I had talked with them I was ready to start passing the news out to others. Leaders have the responsibility not just to give information, but also to manage the distribution of information in a way that builds up the body of Christ. Although the others had opinions, ultimately I settled on an approach born out of prayer that I believed would serve the congregation best.
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